"START THE DAY with a smile, and get it over with." —W.C. Fields
The Supreme Court has ruled that John Hinkley has always been sane. Now if he’d wanted to shoot Jodie Foster and screw Ronald Reagan, then he would have been crazy.
One headline during the late (unlamented) campaign said "Dole Promises Better Climate." Camelot is coming back.
Does the UAW think that there are two-tier prices when new hires or parts workers go shopping?
Spiro Agnew has finally become a Good Republican.
THE CHURCH SAYS "God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son to redeem mankind." Right. Like, He didn’t know He’d be getting him back in three days as good as new.
Ever notice how some Christians say the Church like CPers used to say the Party.
The most popular school prayer said to have been devised by Catholic high school girls: "Holy Mary, conceived without sin, help us now to sin without conceiving."
Sunday school children used to be solemnly taught about the Two Bad Kings, Smo-King and Drin-King. Some smart alec would always bring up the third one.
THERE ARE THREE things we can say for sure about the Middle East. First, the Palestinians aren’t going to go away. Second, the Israelis aren’t going to go away. Third, the Middle East isn’t going to get any bigger.
Rats are an ancient symbol of prosperity in Japan, since they can always find something to eat.
Scottish troops at the start of the Boer war wore their white sporans hanging in front of their kilts-making a convenient aiming point for Boer snipers and producing some very nasty wounds.
In some parts of medieval Europe, married couples were allowed to resolve their differences via trial by combat. The husband, armed with a club, stood in a waist-deep hole. The wife wore a shift with an extra-long sleeve that had a rock tied in the end, and could move around. Sounds like an improvement over lawyers.
NOW THAT LOIS and Clark have gotten married, she’d be well advised not to get pregnant. If that fetus starts kicking.
The Hungarian government has made Tony Curtis a Knight of the Order of Merit of the Republic, in recognition of his film career. And you thought the French were weird about Jerry Lewis.
Ever notice in the movies that somebody lights a candle and it illuminates the whole room? Or on the original Star Trek, the Enterprise would hit a space warp and everybody would go sprawling across the control room? You’d think they’d put in seat belts after a while.
How’d you like to have the Handi-Wipe franchise for the production of "101 Dalmatians"?
Q. How many postmodernists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Every one is different.
As part of the divorce settlement, Queen Elizabeth has stipulated that Diana’s official title will be The Tart Formerly Known as Princess.
The Republicans shouldn’t have antagonized the Soccer Moms, who tend to be very handy with their boots and elbows.
Best slogan of the ’96 campaign came from the Libertarians: "Save the Planet, Collect All Nine."
ATC 66, January-February 1997